englishsucks Asked: DOES THIS SOUND LIKE A GOOD INTRODUCTION FOR A CHILD OBESITY ESSAY? AND ALSO WHAT ABOUT MY THESIS..
Obesity is becoming an epidemic among young children in Canada.
Numerous children are victims of variety of health problems inflicted by the insufficiency of good nutrition and physical activity.
Recently children have been exposed to fast, fatty and sugary types of goods and unfortunately they take part in these types of diets because their parents present them with these unhealthy choices.
Not only do they have an inadequate nutritious diet, they also are lacking physical activity in their lives and their parents are one of the biggest influences.
It seems that families who live more difficult lives or who have a member that is obese tend to be a common target for child obesity.
Childhood obesity has become a huge problem due to poor dietary choices and nutrition, lack of physical activity and also parental influences.
In what ways could parents possibly stop this from getting worse?
Answers:
It is a pretty good start.Try to be a little more concise in your language as you rewrite the final draft of your paper.Also…Take away this sentence. (In what ways could parents possibly stop this from getting worse?)It would make a good topic sentence for your third body paragraph (the first addressing dietary choices and nutrition, the second addressing lack of physical activity) and there should not be a apostrophe in “parents.” (How could parents stop this from getting worse?) is a more concise way to express this idea.Also add a comma (lack of physical activity, and parental influences.)
The subject of childhood obesity is a good one. However, your presentation needs work.For example “Numerous children are victims of variety of health problems inflicted by the insufficiency of good nutrition and physical activity” then later “Not only do they have an inadequate nutritious diet, they also are lacking physical activity in their lives…” You are repeating yourself unnecessarily.
Hmmmm no.You’ve given the whole package in your introduction.There should be a paragraph for each thing that causes obesity + the solution to each thing.
Your intro should be a general intro of 4-5 sentences.
Your topic sentence isn’t too exciting.
*is becoming* implies it is not yet an epidemic
what types of goods are “fast?” poorly worded
*inadequate nutritious diet* implies an overall nutritious diet
Paternal influences cause poor diet and activity, do not directly cause Obesity
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